screaming..

I sound so dramatic.

Some times it all just compounds and I feel like screaming.  Its not anyones fault.  Is this something I can blame on Africa? or on my current circumstances..

Life is messy.

Its messier with 3 kids. 

In the last 2 weeks I decided because I was having some health issues.. namely a pain in my side that was appearing to "be in my head." got all the tests and pokes and prods. My doctor hubby put me on some strong antibiotics to rule out any crazy infection that was hiding out.  Seemed to be helping but in the end gave me just a nasty yeast infection that took 2 weeks to get rid of..

I cut out wheat and dairy.  This has seemed to help and almost instantly this heavy fog of tiredness that I have been mucking through for pretty much the last year disappeared.  huh. I was waking up not wanting to hid in my bed for the rest of the day. Not wanting to have an IV of coffee. Things that I had found to be "normal" for me. 

Up until 2 days ago I was doing pretty well.  Mind you I've only been on this elimination thing for about 12 days now.  2 days ago we had to stay in the city because the rain has been bad here and the traffic was a killer and so we decided to stay in town at this simple guest house we know.  not getting into crazy details all of the kids had a hard time falling asleep and my 20 month old woke up at 4am wanting a bottle which we could not provide and finally fell back to sleep around 5. 

Im tired.

We woke up and drove home, fed the kids breakfast, prepared homeschooling for my husband and then I went to the clinic to work.  Speaking a foreign language is exhausting. came home and helped continue homeschooling.

Im exhausted. 

This morning was horrible.  just little things that add up.  My 20 month old daughter and 5 year old son had been crying and whining since they woke up.  My 7 year old is distracted and doesnt want to focus on school.  I peel an apple for the youngest and she drops in on the dirty floor about 7 times. Each time I get it and wash it and give it back to her only for her to drop it again..

I pour a cup of hot coffee.  My daughter drops the apple... again..

The hot coffee dumps all over my couch and my lap and I just lose it.   I scream. run to my room to get the hot coffee off my legs.  I'm crying, the kids are crying...

wait can we just start over again..

Im so tired.  Tired of the mess.  just tired. 

I need a time out.  I give my kids one minute for every year of their age.. can I have a 38 minute time out please??

Currently the 7 year old is pretending to do her school work, The 5 year old is trying to play a game on the iPad that is much too advanced and he is melting down every 5 seconds. I once again tell him to pick another game.. melt down.  the youngest is sleeping but the dogs out side are whining and the girl who washes our laundry brought her toddler who screams a majority of the time.  praying it doesn't wake her. 

Give me Jesus. 

Today I choose to push through.

I choose to choose Joy. 

His grace is sufficient in my WEAKNESS. 

Intro...

This will become my place.. my place to tell... I just need to let it out.

I am a wife of an amazing husband.

I am mother to 3 beautiful children.

Our life is anything but normal. 

We have been an international family. We have not had a home for longer than 2 years. Our roots don't go very deep. 

If you want to read more of where we have been or what we are doing click here or here. 

We have been in East Africa for the last 15 months.  We are looking again at relocating to Western Australia after our 2 year commitment here is up.  It makes my stomach sick both with anxiety and excitement.  

ANOTHER move. 

ANOTHER change.  

ANOTHER chance to trust God fully with our lives. 

We have 3 kids. 7.5, 5.5 and 20 months.  The older 2 have confusion about where is home.  The youngest thinks that there is not much in the culinary world outside of beans and rice.  

Since 2012 we have moved 10 times.  4 different continents, 5 different countries, 2 different states.  By moving I mean shlepping our belongings from one place or another for a few months time and then shlepping them on to the next "home".

We had thought this current place might be home for a longer period of time. We had hoped maybe it would work out to be a place were we could grow some roots.  Not knowing what we were entering we committed for 2 years and thought we would access and see if it was.  After 1 year we were pretty convinced it was not. That God had other plans for us.  Plans that both excite and terrify us.  

Its scary.  

As a missionary family there is this conception that we are superheros. That we do what others are incapable of or unwilling to do.  We sacrifice things like consistent electricity and other first world conveniences like aircon when the temps are over 100F with 80-90% humidity. The ability to walk into a store that is not 20km away and pretty much purchase anything we can image at a fair price.  Or the peace of mind to not be stared at our watched like a TV because other entertainment isn't available.  

Honestly.  We are not. We just make crazy feel normal. We try to do life with small kids in foreign circumstances and still bring normalcy. We suffer.. and when we are squeezed.. sometimes terrible and stinky things come out.  

But there is GRACE...

and we TRUST.

and We take it ONE.  DAY.  AT.  A. TIME...

This will be our journey. and I'm open to sharing it.  I have felt like I have been living between worlds and honestly I just need to talk it through.. 

So welcome to my brain.